553.

i never go Original Size. just. did.

HEY! check out my manicure. homegrown - home painted. 

bye!

552.

did this to erin and myself on sunday. 
was bored bored bored watching some dumb dumb dumb movie with my ma. love that ma.

her's is cooler than mine.. per usual. but check my fox shit. 

five five two poo poo poo.

547.

 ran into an old friend this weekend, naturally a photo shoot ensued.

545.

talking talking talking always with the talking

somehow somewheres i got a lot of hits. bitch, i'm talking about internet views. so i thought i'd investigate.

according to blogspot, you people over there in Turkey really enjoy the pussy piercing photos. 

biz sevgi slayt aşağı bir yolculuğa ne dersiniz?

 same for those of you in Germany.

Hallo, möchten Sie meine Eingeweide riechen?

and while i sit here and insist (to myself) that the majority of all my page views are from the ex boyfriend and my  mom... the internet is telling me something different. touche, web.

here are the top searches.. that brings you poor suckers to Oh Shit.

piercing ve vagine 

beautiful midget

piercing vagina

pussy piercing

vagina piercing

vagina tumblr

bleached pubes

die antwoord ass

exposing myself 

hair pie tumblr

well, folks. there it is. it used to be that the search that brought the most people here was "fish taco".

life is good. i suppose. how can it not be? 

look. 

bye!

j

it's really hard to lose your party girl image ... when all you do is party. 

i do more than part.

party. 

really. i do a lot of things.

i eat. 

i literally just farted. 

most likely as a result of eating. 

i make stuff. ... like shit. and gasses. 

i have sex sometimes, which is really nice. and mostly pleasant.

i'm sort of drunk right now. chillin in a fart bath. wearing yesterday's clothes and last night's sweat. 

did dance moves all night with the queens. sang karaoke. embarrassed. jolene and fame. 

about 90% of the time i spend in public warrants an arrest. 

i'm not bragging. 

fuck me running, The Internet. 

yesterday the special girl in my office was a callin me The Diva in Black. 

do you ever think about your youth? i do. think about yours.

it's going to run out someday. someday... someday i'll finally wake up looking worse than the day before. and then what? what the fuck kind of skills do i have to catapult this old ass into the next twenty years. i write shitty. right shitty. i talk stupid. i can't dance, that's for g'dmaned sure. and this putrid charm i wear like a badge... will it still do the trick when my tits sag and my face drops?

i guess we'll see.

who wanna be my boyfriend?

429.

hahahah. this is my necklace. i got it in high school when i worked for All The More To Love. it was twenty bucks. solid. it came from a little old lady named marilyn. she lived in this KILLER fucking apartment right across the street from my high school. amazing? yeah. but she was a hoarder. the place was packed full of shit from the ceiling to the floor. she got sick once, and we went in and cleared a gang of shit out. the air quality was so fucked up she would have DIED. we saved her. ta da. she was hard, man. wrinkled beyond her years, hunched. she had a walker... and she was barely pushing 60. she wore large velvet hats COVERED in amazing jewelry. her fingers too. she was so bony and thin that she'd have to bandaid up her rings so they wouldn't fall off. she was a jazz head. she ran with musicians in her heyday. she loved tunes. i miss her. she was a kick in the pants, the knees of a bee. sharp and some shit. she's dead now. anyways. those are my boobs. i was pretty impressed that they looked like.. boobs. hah! you can't even see the necklace. fuck it. 

it's an eagle. suck it.

remember when i did this before? fuck yeah, you do. so? here it is. my rings. the little bow i got at atmtl as well. i got the job, SHOP GIRL job when i was 15. i got my friend becca hired there about a year later. by then i was already a salty old shop chick. anyways! we got these tray of silver rings in one day. we each bought each other one. i haven't taken mine off since. well. except for that 6 months where i thought i lost it. really? it was sitting on the bathroom sink. yeah man. i have six brains, none of them saw it. the other ring? the pretty lady. that's what i call her. The Pretty Lady. i got her at the laney college flea market just about two or three months ago. maybe. i really have no concept of time. at. all. could have been just last week.. except i know it wasn't.

thumb ring, you know. got this here TRAAAAAYO at the flea market in santa cruz. oh, those were the days. the fucking flea market KILLS. kills it dead. i was without this ring for a bit recently. this goon head hairy mother fucker yoinked it from me. GOT IT BACK, mack.

the unicorn. found her at laney too. three bucks, man. i could have haggled. but shit man. i was so stoked i just shelled out the three and dashed. then them gem. i love it to no end. erin gave it to me. she said she hated it. which makes sense. i love it = she hates it. it's gigantic and gets caught every time i put my hand in my pockets. FUCK POCKETS. gem. glam. GLAM. 

 i'm really going for it here. see that? my eye is so spooky on the left. RIGHT. i mean right. these are my nose holes. big deal? YEAH BIG FUCKING DEAL.

and now? here i am being a dick. 

moral of The Story? there is nothing NOT douchey about getting loaded on weed before work and taking thousands of photos of yourself. not a thing. that? 

and i watched the devil's advocate last night at my mama house. fuck yes. man... check it.

"Vanity is definitely my favorite sin. Self-love, the all-natural opiate." - The Devil. see that? fuck shit and suck bones brother fuckers. i dig it. just about everything he says is quotable. but hot damn, if that little diddy doesn't fit in nice and pretty here at Oh Shit.

419.

listen. i've got to tell you this secret. secrete. 

i'm not fashionable, like. AT ALL. i never shower. or brush my teeth. or my Rock n Roll hair. i wear the same thing, days in a row. i wear the same shoes everyday. always. my motorcycle boots that traded erin for. i never change my underwear. i spend a lot of time sleeping in garages, on couches, beds that are not my own. i dont wear perfume, i stink. i've got endless fucks, i give them all. i love ugly 70's gear. my dresses are always too tight, too short or long ASS fuck. 

my pants go up to my bra, but i never wear a bra.

why am i telling you this? becuase. i think you should know. they way people portray themselves on The Internet, it's a joke. i'm a joke. and i know. do YOU know? do they know. i wonder. so? long introduction to some pictures of me, this morning. this is what i look like in real life. when i come into work at the crack of dawn. with no makeup on. 

HAH! but even all these, i picked the ones it thought were the cutest. there IS something wrong with my eye. so squinty, so small. OH! and i have zits, you guys. i pop 'em. and i always forget to wax my stache. so i have little hairs on top of my lip all the time. what else makes me real...

i dont know. but here is all this. 
ok ok ok wait wait wait. when i'm on my period, i just bleed all over myself. i wear black pants, and just puddle. fuck it. tampons are gross. and? yes. there's more. i pick my nose like a crazy. always, two fings in the nose. i've got about one hundred pieces of metal in there. they get crusty. and i love crust.  i also masturbate before work and dont wash my hands. so my hands smell like my vagina, which smells like weed. and erin's vagina. hey erin, i wonder if our vaginas still smell the same.

412.

you think you're special. 

you're not fucking special. 

i'm special. 

there can only be one.

see? see that... there's more

okcupid, you never cease to amaze and delight me. 

point? i drive boys crazy. no no no. not like "i drive boys crazy, tee hee" i mean i put mother fuckers in the hospital. don't believe me? good. let's fuck.

four total. count it. 

YOU COULD BE NEXT, online dater.

404.

when  was a little girl, there was a pony that i would ride at The Ranch. the pony's name was, Peanut. i called him, Penis. i had no idea what i was saying. but the reaction i got out of it was so great that i kept saying it. over... and over.. and over... mm hmm. my parents eventually gave up trying to get me to say Peanut instead. so? i walked around The Ranch, yapping about my Penis, and riding on my Penis. 

the end.

403.

feminism... ?

i do whatever i want. and i get away with everything i want. i am the ruler and creator of my existence. what other people accomplish, and whatever means they use to accomplish it, does not concern me. A man will never beat me. physically, mentally, socially or any other way. because i am a strong person. woman or no. there is no taking me down or pushing me around.

this dick ruins it.
read this - my responses are below

1.period are nice. free gore. yum. if your shit kills you that hard, look into medication or having your uterus removed. periods are beautiful, i love them. try and enjoy shit more lady, christ.

2. if you don't want to wear makeup, don't. but don't pretend like it doesn't make you look a hell of a lot better because it does. that's why we have it. its fun and lovely, and if it were socially acceptable for dudes to wear it - they'd  layer it on like street hussies and Slut Fair 2010.

3. i can almost agree here. i wish i could wear a jeans and tee to work everyday.. oh wait. i can.  if people giving you a hard time for the way you look bothers you, you might was well make "under the rock" your permanent address. if you look hott - you get guff. look like hell = guff. fuck it.  do what you FEEL like.

4. can't find a bra? go to a specialty store. or chop your titts off. you hate them anyway. just get it over with.

5. i love private part nick names. they are fun. don't be so up tight. SNATCH

6. fuck a man. fuck a boss too. the only person holding you back is YOU. idiot.

7. i've got more knots in my belt than any dude i know.. well. more than mosta the dudes i know. so suck toes. and in regards to demeaning positions. that is your own trip. i don't fuck with people who disrespect me. at least... now that i'm not 15 anymore. 

8. i love pap smears...whats up there? let's get i!t can i have a picture?

9. when i piss squatting, the pee goes straight. you might want to take that up with the dr you see about removing your period. these problems may be connected.

10. again, who cares what other people are doing or saying. when you go against the grain people complain. deal with it. you are paving the way for baby haters after you. wave that flag girl.  

so, ya ya blah blah blah. feminism is a great thing. and i am day to day feminist.i dont blame my stuggles on men.

i love men. i want to fuck them all. demeaningly

402.

 commercial made

infomercial, for the interwebs, for TKB Trading.

uhhhh... this is what i looked like. 

i always feel like such a freak with makeup and hairs done.

this is what i really look like.. you know the drill. three days tired, five days dirty.  anyFUCKINGways. i thought i was going to be doing just some hand modeling. you know? vanna white-ing that shit. nope. full on, brother fucking infomercial. oh, i hand modeled alright. but i also did step by step instructional hub bub. can i get an amen? shit my dick, people. this is legit. and i got sixty smackers. hallelujah.

i'm a professional now, obviously. here are some examples of my excellent skills.

this look i call, I Go Crazy. it's also mouth modeling.

this look, it's called, Praise Him

and this one i call, Enough With All This Stupid Pictures Of Myself Shit I Gotta Go Watch Siousie And The Banshee Videos On Youtube. And Eat. Eat Some Delicious Things.

400.

inspired by some, marauded by none

what does that even mean... MEAN. here i am, blogging from sunday. bout to hit the tracks with ju. prancing around my house, nakes. in my new ten dollar dress. made some eggs, ate 'em. what to do with all this precious time...  was thinking bout making a post. picture post a me doing all the seven deadly sins. but ya know what? fuck 'em. i got vanity and lust down to a T. so? here you have it brother fucks. if any of you strangers want to stop by, smoke me out and brush my pubes.. i wouldn't turn you away. no sir. not today.

i say! not to day.

392.

one more thing, before i'm gone for till 

The End of Time

i took a look at pete last night. for no reason, really. just thought i'd give him a look... he had a mowhawk.

he is such a cutie pie.. but in need of some serious TLC. PLC, pussy love and care.

my main man needs a new hair-do and fast. what color should he be next?

..it's been a LONG TIME since i've blasted stinky pete. he misses you.

386.

i got my balls back. did you lose sleep? did i? you know. robots don't sleep. 

i was planning on telling you all about how i let jesus fuck me now, how he makes my pussy cry and leaves bruises on my throat. 

but jesus sees all. and you know how shy and PRIVATE i am, don't you? 

so, instead of talking about that. let us talk about this.

i got a major case of.. the fucked ups.

bro, bra, breh. you know me. i go crazy, i stay healthy. but after this weekend, i'm all kinds of fucked up. my head is dizzy and swimmy. my guts are twisted. i'm all fainty. FUC KIN AYE. heart burn city. i really did myself in and also? i've got an awful throat. it's dry, and tight and my chest is all FUCKED.

fuck this, fuck that. 

tie ya baby up, smack it with a bat. 

praise him. 

 feel like

look like

382.

filler for the win

one day, they will fire me. come in high, leave drunk.

fuck ya telephones, fuck ya life, office job? nope.

got my antler on today, and i got myself a new hair do. yawning yet? usually, i sit here and take about a thousands pictures of myself till i find one with good light that makes me look hotter than i do in real life. nope. not today. i just want to show you my beautiful hairs. also, here are two examples of thoughts from my brain.

(sees dirty string on floor) Dirty String Fetish, i'm going to take this string into the bathroom and rub my vagina all over it. then put it right back onto the floor where i found it. then maybe the next guy will...

if i had tiny little brains inside the tips of every fingers... would they talk inside my head? or would they just be talking inside my fingers? and how would i hear that, would they be talking to themselves, or me? i need finger mouths. ten of them.

375.

tumblr is the new black

i've been shitting all over the internet thru blogspot for almost two years. yeah? two years about. ok, maybe one? fuck. who knows, who cares? anyways. i've been shitting over here for a hot one and decided to try my luck ON THE DARK SIDE. i done good, ya'll. people are shitting their dicks over my tumblr. but here is where my heart is. you know this. here. the place where no one reads what i say. where i post disgusting photos of my boo-boo's my coochie and dive deep DEEP into the gruesome details of.. everything. 

THE TRUTH? i often fantasize about deleting all my internet ties. to BE FREE from the world wide web. sometimes, i have this gnawing brutal pain in my insides. it's The Internet Pain. sucking my soul out thru my belly button. and to benefit who? am i any wiser or HOTTER becuase of The Internet? i don't think so. 

at least i can't tell. 

ARE YOU ANY BETTER? does seeing picture of my pubic hairs somehow enlighten you? i didn't think so. so? then what the fuck am i doing? i'm wasting my life working a stupid fucking job, rotting my brains and slowly growing the world's largest ass. THE SITTING. the sitting is making my ass huge. i'd use more personality and brains being a brother fucking bus driver.

that's right. a brother fucker. 

anyways. i got a sweet ass tank from BLOOD IS THE NEW BLACK.

   ok? that's all for now. you can thank your god that i'm too lazy for suicide

goodbye forever,

jillian dahhling

370.

who am i, even? i'm crazy and ridiculous. posting my butt on The Internet. doesn't even look like me. WHOAMI? last night i ate cheese whiz in cheese its. yum. then i thought i was gon puke. didn't. i feel barfy in the morning times and at night now. LIKE ALL THE TIME. it sucks and maybe i'm dying. also, New House is haunted. well "haunted" i'm friggin' haunted. this place has nothing to do with it. believe me? i don't care.. wish it wasn't true. i'm spooky like fox mulder. a woman's voice told me to kill her last weekend. there are also lots of swirls in my house. you can see them, smoke sometimes too. i'm not the only one. alex's seen them. me too. a lot. when luisa was doing my hair on tuesday night she heard The Sounds. i did too. she was blow drying my hair and asked me if that was the music.. i lied and said yes. i didn't want to scare her. last night dan got swooshed. some air swooshed him strangely.. yeah yeah. it was spooky. he was terrified, the poor dear. the more and more these kinds of things go on the less frightened i am. i would just like for whatever it is to get whatever it has off it's chest so i can rest easy... and so my house guests can rest easy as well. this is not at all where i thought this little post was going. so it goes.... hey! tell that to the birds, right?

369.

THREE SIX NINE, DAMN SHE FINE.

here are some vain and fuck what else is a word for.. you know.. fucking self indulgent? you know what i mean. START OVER. 

here are some gratuitous photos of me being a douche bag.

 i'm one of Those Girls now. photo booth photo, plastered in makeup, septum pierced. CHEESE WHIZ.

also, i love my new house. FUCK YEAH living alone.

365.

them

me

364.

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY AND I’M TURNING TWENTYFOURHUNDRED YEARS OLD. and i’m going to turn my entire living room into a fort. and people will come. and we will drink GREY GOOSE (becuase my boss just gifted me a fifth) and we will have gin and champagne. and if i have my way then we WILL CUDDLE AND ROLL UPON THE FLOOR. and then we will creep into the night, and creep into the bars and CREEP AWAY OUR LIVES BECAUSE I’M TH————IS CLOSE TO BEING OLD!!!